Selfish.

How is it so easy to throw a word and walk away. Like a grenade you leave it to explode within me -an adjective, an accusation, a perhaps truth.

All these years I’ve wrung myself out for you, held myself at both ends and twisted madly to extract every drop of purpose and pain. For you. For a ruthless Shylock I’ve loved.

I’ve eaten corners of toast, saved you sweet mango flesh, lied to you about not wanting the last bites of divine chocolate. The need to give you everything I could flowed in my veins,  etching itself in cells and platelets. My little liquid love in all the places in my body, dying and multiplying by the million

I have grown accustomed to these words you hurl, swallowing without water, feeling them move down my esophagus and scratching against my insides with a stubborn refusal to dissolve.

What’s the line between loving and understanding; that deceptive border lit with fairy lights that makes you want to stop and stare at in utter fascination. How did we cross it without realizing?

And now it’s nowhere in sight

We’re too busy despising each other.Too busy lost in unreasonable expectations. Too busy trying to fix a jigsaw puzzle of a clear night sky. Charcoal black everywhere.

The tears I stashed, the smiles I feigned, the screams that erupted and came to the edge of the abyss only to be swallowed back with denial.

And now as you call me that word- Selfish.

My pain rises like a cough that’s been stifled for too long by lungs laced with unspoken truths. Sacrificing my wellbeing for your ego, I remained kind. I wanted to save you and  let you never know the pain of looking into a talking mirror.

And here I am the fool, holding onto the gift you’ve given me- honesty that anchors itself in my heart.

I will remain sad and stupid, believing your version of Me. It’s easier that way isn’t it? Who has the time to fight now?

I’ll swallow the pill again.  And turn to you with a smile you’ll never understand

 

 

 

Advertisements